PTSD: The Forgotten Factor

Before I even go into any topic, I must say that my heart breaks for the victims in yesterday's Boston Marathon bombing.  I don't know what religion any of my readers believe in, or if any of you are atheist or agnostic.  But if you pray, please pray for everyone affected by this tragedy.  If you don't, please send some good, comforting vibes their way.  We know they will need all the help that we can offer.

There's always this giant pink elephant in the room when a major tragedy like this occurs.  After the September 11 attacks in 2001, the news channels bombarded us with 24 hour coverage, showing every little detail, every single violent burst of flame, every piece of mangled steel which followed the collapse of both Twin Towers, which was also shown over and over again.

I had no idea about PTSD at the time, but now that I do, I can say with fairly great certainty that the people who had PTSD from the Oklahoma City bombing faced a triggering event on 9/11/2001.  The repetitive images were similar enough to bring back the terrifying and haunting memories of what they went through in 1995.  Fast forward to the London and Madrid subway suicide bombings.  What crippling effects did those attacks have on the people living with PTSD from the 9/11 attacks?

It's the same with these school shootings.  Even those who survive the shootings and/or were in parts of the school the killer(s) didn't get to will often have PTSD.  The first responders often have PTSD.  So when these people endure the 24 hour coverage of the next school shooting and then the next one, and so forth, they're triggered time and time again.

I'm not suggesting that CNN take a lighter touch with covering breaking news (which is good, because I'm a total news whore).  What I wish for all of us with PTSD is that the media acknowledge that this is actually an issue.  Why do I have to post on Facebook after every tragedy, "Please don't forget those who will be triggered because of their PTSD"?  Why can't the media do a 2 minute spot a couple of times a day during a severe crisis to explain PTSD and how this crisis may affect those of us with it?  Why does this always remain unacknowledged?

Yesterday, 3 people were killed and almost 200 were injured, and that is a huge tragedy and I never would demean that horror.  But I know there are many, many more victims out there right now: people with PTSD who have been triggered by yesterday's tragedy.

Those of us with PTSD always seem to be the forgotten factor in every tragedy.

The Blame Game

Sometimes I feel guilty for having PTSD because I know a lot of people would have gone through an assault like mine unfazed.  So why has it affected every aspect of my life for the last 11 years so much?  What's wrong with me?

What's wrong with me is that I see too much wrong with me.  I can forgive others for almost anything, but I can never forgive myself.

When I was seven years old, my mom was robbed and beaten in front of a convenience store while I sat in the car.  My parents and I pulled up to the store and agreed that she would run inside to get what we needed while my dad and I sat in the car outside.  There were two men standing at a pay phone by the entrance, and I watched them and felt in my gut that they were suspicious.  But I didn't say anything, and on her way out of the store, the two men attacked my mom on the passenger side of the car, beat and kicked her, and stole her wallet.  It happened so fast, my dad couldn't even get around the car to my mom before they were running off.  Granted, it was the 1980's and our car was as big as a Cold War Russian tank, but that's neither here nor there.

I've thought about this incident a lot over the years and every time I revisit it, I punish myself a little more for not saying anything.  I know that if I had simply said, "Daddy, those guys look a little suspicious," then he would have gotten out of the car and escorted my mom out.  Maybe they still would have attacked her, and hurt BOTH of my parents instead (or maybe worse).  But I hate myself for doing nothing.

I forgave the two men long ago.  It was the right thing to do.  (My mother forgave them too.)  What I have never been able to do is forgive myself.  But at the same time, how can I have compassion for the criminals but hold myself as unforgivable when I was only a 7 year old child?  Why do I have such a high standard for myself from which I can't free myself?  I don't know, I haven't resolved this yet.

I'm still very much that little girl now, 25 years later.  I rarely think about the man who assaulted me 11 years ago-- why waste the brain cells and energy on him?  Unfortunately, I do dwell on what I consider to be MY fault: I didn't report it, I didn't seek help, I haven't been strong enough to overcome the initial terrible therapy experience to get proper counseling, I can't control my reactions to triggering events, and so forth.

At times it feels like swimming in water against the current.  You can see the destination ahead, and you know that there's a a path to swim there without fighting the current, but you can't bring yourself to do the healthier, safer option.  Logically, I know I'm not at fault for my mom being robbed or for me being assaulted.  Those truths are the destination that I can clearly see ahead of me, but I just can't bring myself to get out of that strong, opposing current to get there.